Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
