You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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