just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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