So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
