I just cut my nipple shaving
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
