Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
