i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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