Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
