Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
