Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
