so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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