imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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