People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
