I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
