My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
