I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
