My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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