i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize