my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
