Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
