You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
