I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
