My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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