I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
