Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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