Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
