then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
