i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
