im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
