The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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