this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
