forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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