I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
