when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
