oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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