The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Randomize
