We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
