took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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