I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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