What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
