Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
