You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
