Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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