Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
