yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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