What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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