walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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