dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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