You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
