he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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