Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
