saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
