where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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