A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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