so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
