bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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