1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
