so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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