Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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