A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
