By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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