Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
