I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I love you.
Bad choice
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