If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
