i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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