i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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