woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
