Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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